The Arnab Goswami Roast Of Indian Cricketers (Part 1)

Our cricketers are used to facing the media and their direct questions. In the recent years there is a new face in the media that has created a flurry of imitations and also an impregnable amount of fear in the hearts of public figures: Arnab Goswami. If Mr.Goswami is reading this, we hope he takes it in his stride and not invite us to his show, not because we are scared but because we will not be allowed to speak! It is not surprising how his “India wants to know” jibe has created a flutter across the nation. Barring few of our cricketers not many have appeared in his show. What if our poor cricketers were indeed put to gun point and made to appear in his show.

Here’s the Arnab Goswami Roast of Indian Cricketers (Part 1): 

1. MS Dhoni: The Retirement Scandal 

India’s erstwhile Test captain and the current Indian one day captain and for how long we don’t know. He may probably resign from being the captain midway into the World Cup if he feels like it, India wants to know on what basis did you decide to leave the team stranded halfway in the midst of a Test series, 2-0 down. When you were asked you said that it was a spontaneous decision. I have to then remind you that your spontaneity cost us the series and a loss in the last test match. How are you going to answer that? MS Dhoni, India wants to know!

2. Virat Kohli: The Arrogant Case of Public Display of Affection (PDA)

India’s best batsman. You are talented, and I have no doubt about it. But Mr. Virat Kohli and I know that you do not care what people say but even then I want to ask you: What gives you the moral right, in front of national television to blow kisses in a massive display of public affection? Aren’t you sensitive to the Indian culture? Don’t you know that it can send a wrong message across to aspiring cricketers? Tonight you have to answer or else the nation would not forgive you.

3. Yuvraj Singh: Daddy’s Outburst 

Now I sympathize with you on not being picked for the World Cup squad. You were our best player from the last edition but that does not guarantee you the right to a ticket to Australia. Can you explain to me your father’s public rant against the Indian captain? He is a former cricketer and in the midst of a World Cup campaign didn’t he put his personal interest before the country’s? India wants to know why did he not wait till the World Cup got over? We demand an answer!

4. Shikhar Dhawan: The Curious of the “Moustache” 

I personally like you. You are a good man BUT I do have an issue with your moustache. Not with the moustache per se but with the way you proudly flaunt it, twirling its ends from time to time. Have you entered into a secret contract with Air India to replace the Maharaja? Are you trying to make commercial gains out of your moustache? Have you forgotten that you have been picked in the team as a batsman and not as a businessman? The spotlight is on you, Mr. Shikhar Dhawan.

By Ashirbad Hazarika

DISCLAIMER: This is a humour article, work of pure fiction and should be take in jest.